*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Fiction has to make sense.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*