Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
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Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.