Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
“Sheer Arrogance”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Why is everyone getting married at me
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016