The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family