can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said