Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”