If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
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Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No