the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
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*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Who chose this font
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair