[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
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Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks