HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
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It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
☠️☠️☠️
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime