[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
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You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
my nickname in college
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
“our sushi is very fresh”