ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
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“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?