Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
BETRAYAL
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Childbirth is so beautiful
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭