Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
You Might Also Like
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.