Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.