You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
You Might Also Like
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.