“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
do u think theres a butter planet?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
they split up moments later
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how