A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.