[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
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*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.