Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
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worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia