Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners