Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.