me: why does my back hurt
also me:
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Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be