Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Check out the legs on this baby
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏