What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
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Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.