I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
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My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT