angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman