My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
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It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’m not wrong
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!