*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
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Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Smooooooth
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
never deleting this app.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm