By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Brb my Sims are getting married
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.