Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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Breaking news:
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
We need to put an American base on the sun
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem