I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
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Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.