I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB