LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
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Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
You are not alone 💚
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team