seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
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Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
remember
only for emergencies
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK