[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Awwwww shit.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers