I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Dear Lord..
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*