I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
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Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
This is sending me to another galaxy
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
why no one uses midhusbands
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Me when my alarm goes off
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.