Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
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According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I bet birds love this building.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.