How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
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Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want