*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I unironically love this joke.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
spicy snake
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.