When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
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Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
wish me luck lads
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET