“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
where the womens at?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!