As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
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Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
these two trucks have the same bed length