I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
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“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?