velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
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I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
one last job
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Beauty and the Beast
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math