Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
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As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
*cough*
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit