Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
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british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My diet starts in January
of 2027
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed