Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
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Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret