“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”